Human Financial Advisor Horror Stories

I’ve had initial chats with two, and met two at parties. No horror stories, but all four left me certain that I wouldn’t trust them with a penny of my money. The two I met socially gave me the strong impression they had no idea what they were doing and just parroted dubious soundbites like “you’ll never lose money in property” or “you can’t go wrong with bonds”.

One had been in agriculture before getting a job at his father-in-law’s advisory firm.

I tried to chat to them about more complex post-recession low-interest rate stuff and they kinda changed the subject and just went back to soundbites. The two I actually spoke to about getting advice, one didn’t know how to deal with crypto and promptly ghosted me, the other also appeared to lose interest once it was clear I wasn’t just gonna buy life insurance and commission products. All four did the 1980s sales-y bullshit like using my first name constantly (one of them calling me by the wrong name over and over).

So (while I know every industry has its bad apples), my own personal experience has been that 4 out of 4 had strong scammy used car salesman / estate agent vibes. So basically, they’re the last people I’d hand over money to.I manage my ~£0.5m portfolio myself.

Had three different independent FAs try to sell me into high risk VCTs (despite being wholly inappropriate for my goals / financial position) - all I wanted was some one-off financial modelling that I couldn't figure out in a spreadsheet. I literally gave up trying to find an FA at that point.

I had just met with some folks who had recently moved in-state from the East Coast. They were referred to me because they were unhappy with the advisor that they’d been with. The advisor had worked for one of those big insurance companies that also have their own proprietary mutual funds.

The advisor had always made the claim to them that he could use any type of investment that he wanted. What I found funny about that statement was when you actually looked at their account holdings, over 80% of all their investments were with that company’s mutual funds; their own proprietary product.

What was even more a bunch of crap, was the actual funds themselves were horrible.

Their track records were bad, their fees were high, and their performance resembled that of a 16-year-old trying to make it in the NFL; it just wasn’t cutting it. Lesson learned: If you’re using an advisor who works for a big company, be on the lookout if they always recommend their own company’s funds.

This is the kind of guy that I don’t actually want to punch in the face; I’d rather just have a good chuckle with him. One time, I was competing with another advisor who was offering a fixed annuity as their only investment solution. They were a pure insurance agent, and apparently, that was all he could offer.

When the client chose me as their advisor over the insurance agent, they were not happy, to say the least. They were so disappointed in my client’s decision that they felt compelled to tell them (in a condescending tone) that their products had no fees, whereas mine did, and that they (my clients) were making a horrible decision.

No fees, huh? Well, yes, if you buy a fixed annuity that guarantees you 3%, you do get 3%. But for someone to use the argument that their products have no fees is ridiculous. There’s a fee for everything; there is no such thing as a free lunch.

Lesson learned: If your advisor tells you that their products have no fees, I would suggest you first prevent yourself from bursting into laughter. Then, kindly remove yourself and sprint out of their office.

Keep the case!